Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
