Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just found puke in my bra..
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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