I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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