he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
