i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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