i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
