Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
