I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
