Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
