you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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