Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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