I accidentally had phone sex last night
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
