How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
