Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
