dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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