She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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