Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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