Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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