there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize