I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
