Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
