oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
