You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
im six kinds of drunk right now
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
