well you can't waste a boner
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
