Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
