if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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