Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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