How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
