i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
