no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
