totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
