I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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