Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
