I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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