Need sex. Gaining weight.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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