How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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