My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
