You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
