Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize