the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
