she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Me too!
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
