I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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