Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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