As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
