I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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