Pants 0. Shit 1.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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