They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The adults are the big ones right?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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