I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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