I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
