I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
