Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
