My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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