You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
