dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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