seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
