Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
