I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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