at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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