I'm laying in your front yard are you home
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
