i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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